FCB 4 - Sevilla 0

One of the most amazing things I've experienced in my life!

FC Barcelona v. Seville

Taking a tour of Camp Nou, this place is huge.

Hola from Sagrada Familia!

Arrival

We're here and on the Tarmac

Bar-ce-loh-na!

Barcelona here we come!

IHOP's new Coffee Cake Pancakes

I ripped this from the Sports Guy; funny to me only because I had the new coffee cake streusel pancakes at IHOP last Sunday.

"I wrote a good chunk of this column at my favorite IHOP on Sunset and Orange. No strippers sitting in the next booth this time, but I did order the heart attack special -- aka chicken-fried steak with scrambled eggs, hash browns and three buttermilk pancakes on two plates. Total cost: $12.99 and two complimentary angioplasties. I wasn't even that hungry; I just wanted to see what it looked like. But that's not why I'm telling you this. Did you know they're serving coffee cake streusel pancakes at IHOP right now? Are you kidding me? Did the IHOP executives have an emergency creative meeting recently because they had run out of ways to make America fat? "Well, coffee cake's fattening, and pancakes are fattening, and so is maple syrup … what if we just combined the three?" I can't get over this. IHOP should build an advertising campaign around Bizarro Jared, a skinny guy who gained more than 350 pounds in six months after eating only IHOP meals. He'd be a national hero.)"

By the way, the pancakes were uber delicioso.

iPhone Blogger Test #2

iPhone Blogger Test

Testing...

Example of Clever Packaging Design

Japanese, of course -

...oh, and hi.

It's here!!! It's finally here!!!

2nd Collection - Hydeout Productions

Speaking of vaginas...

taken from Craigslist:

"FOR SALE - Beautiful pink "vagina couch" that I made in art school and no longer have space for. The couch is large: measures 5' 3" long, 3' 3" wide at the middle, and stands 2' 3" tall (and is heavy like a couch). The pics are from my portfolio and are several years old; as a result, the couch has some scuffmarks and stains around the bottom from being moved, but otherwise is in excellent shape. A professional upholsterer helped me build the couch, so it is also functional and durable as a piece of furniture. The couch must be picked up in Mendocino, a 3-hour drive north of SF. I am asking for $600 and a loving home! Call Willow or reply to posting."

This would go so well with my penis-shaped armoire.

Belize & Guatemala 2007

Belize and Guatemala

Hello from Belize

Douche: By Hello Kitty

Introducing, the Hello Kitty Douche:

It's now confirmed that there is absolutely nothing on Earth that Sanrio Co. won't embellish with their hellishly cute kitten. Is nothing sacred anymore? Can a woman not walk down the douche-aisle of her local pharmacy and be greeted by this androgynous feline? I'm really speechless and have nothing more to say.

Just kidding. First off, is douching still in practice today in the modern western world? I can't speak for my vagina-equipped audience, but wasn't it proven like decades ago that douching caused infections and crap? Is that something you really want to blame on Hello Kitty?

Translated from the website I found this on: “A small syringe with detachable nozzles; used for vaginal lavage and enemas.”

All with the care and love only Hello Kitty can provide.

My BFF Janitor

One of my many habits that have translated well from home to work is my ability to constantly snack and drink whenever sedentary. It doesn't help that I'm blessed with an endless free cornucopia of tasty things, so you can imagine myself endlessly downing soda after tea after juice after coffee after...

Anyways, it's easy for me to go through at least 3-4 drinks before lunch, and if you know me at all it means that this also leads to many trips to restroom. I probably use the toilet more often than most. Last time I think my doctor diagnosed that I have a bladder the size of a pea right before I excused myself to piss.

"Randy, why am I reading this. You're an idiot." Now before you leave, allow me to explain my freaky coincidental pee-schedule. It's probably the timing of my liquid ingestion, but I don't plan this at all. You see our floor janitors are all working on schedule too, and funny enough my urge to urinate seems to coincide with their cleaning schedule like, 100% of the time.

I just switched floors in our building, and I noted that every time I use the restroom I happen to run into the same, 200lbs janitor who always cleans the mens room. And I know he notices too because when we see each other in our daily encounters he always smiles and gives a hearty "Good morning!" to me. The other day I happened to be dropping my kids off in the stall when I heard the familiar sound of a cleaning cart rolling in. I dwelled in there a while thinking how weird it was that he's always there when I was, and I heard other dudes use the room without ever so much a "Hello" from my friendly janitor. Of course when I walked out of the stall he was there sweeping all over and gave me his standard "Good Morning!" routine. How come only me?

Because he sees me ALL THE TIME. I'm like his new best friend or something cause of this daily routine we have together. We have this new weird bond in which we're casually dating now that everytime I need to leak, he needs to change the toilet paper. What's even weirder is that I still run into him when we're not in the bathroom together because our janitors are entitled to the same perks we are. Meaning I see him at lunch in the cafes, in the kitchen to cook a snack, on my way to meetings, and even one day we happened to be leaving work at the same time and our cars were parked nearby. I don't know whether I should be scared or sign him up to be my big brother.

[I don't even have a joke here]

TEST - Embedded Google Maps

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My Eurotrip 2006

I Walked Right Into Your Fart Cloud

Dear 50-something Chinese lady at the San Jose 99 Ranch last night:

Yes, you know who you are. Don't think I didn't notice you walk away so surreptitiously as I approached your direction in the cookies and treats section. I take it you never saw me round that corner into your momentarily private aisle you had all to yourself; but once I shattered your peaceful and solitary world you never gave me any warning as to what I was about to encounter.

That was pretty sly of you Chinese woman, for so quickly feigning responsibility by scurrying away leaving only the most concentrated scent of what left your bowels only seconds ago. As I walked right into your fart cloud my first reaction was that 99 Ranch was being enveloped in some sort of terrorist nerve gas mixed with hundreds of dead animal eggs in the humidity of a Florida senior home.

MY GOD what the FUCK did you eat!?! Warm yogurt with spicy Indian food? A Taco Bell Chalupa washed down with old milk? Please! Just tell us so that the combination of your most recent meal is never duplicated ever again.

Anyways, thanks for the 'warning'. I beg you to please visit a gastroenterologist before people die.

Mmmm...People Soup

Who would ever want to take a dip in this wave-enducing, human-infested (literally) cesspool? The Japanese, that's who.

Rebel With a Cause

Nothing showcases your masculinity more than a Super Mario Bros. sleeve tattoo.

*UPDATE* for those who already cried out "fake" this guy is apparently real, and those are real tattoos. His name is Samuel Mullin and he has his own website here. He posts that next month he plans to get Legend of Zelda scrawled on his other arm. I would say this is cool, but then again I'm not 8yrs old.