Dear 50-something Chinese lady at the San Jose 99 Ranch last night:
Yes, you know who you are. Don't think I didn't notice you walk away so surreptitiously as I approached your direction in the cookies and treats section. I take it you never saw me round that corner into your momentarily private aisle you had all to yourself; but once I shattered your peaceful and solitary world you never gave me any warning as to what I was about to encounter.
That was pretty sly of you Chinese woman, for so quickly feigning responsibility by scurrying away leaving only the most concentrated scent of what left your bowels only seconds ago. As I walked right into your fart cloud my first reaction was that 99 Ranch was being enveloped in some sort of terrorist nerve gas mixed with hundreds of dead animal eggs in the humidity of a Florida senior home.
MY GOD what the FUCK did you eat!?! Warm yogurt with spicy Indian food? A Taco Bell Chalupa washed down with old milk? Please! Just tell us so that the combination of your most recent meal is never duplicated ever again.
Anyways, thanks for the 'warning'. I beg you to please visit a gastroenterologist before people die.
